My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
