Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
