I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
