I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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