Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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