Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize