super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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