Her vagina should come with caution tape.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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