Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
