Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
