I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
