she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
