Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
