if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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