Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
