Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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