bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
