Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
