I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
