I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
