I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize