I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
