god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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