Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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