Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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