Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
