Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
