i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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