why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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