one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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