You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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