if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
