Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
