with your own penis?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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