it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
