Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
