Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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