oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
