Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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