Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
