Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
