If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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