so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
