i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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