im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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