I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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