If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize