I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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