I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
