If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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