so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
