Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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