I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
