just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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