i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
