I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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