Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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