I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
