I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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