i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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