just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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