I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I understand Curling. That high.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
