you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
