i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize