i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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