Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I DEMAND FORESKIN
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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